10 Things To Talk About Besides Elden Ring

As the top selling game of 2022 nears its six month anniversary here are 10 things for anyone to talk about besides Elden Ring.

1. Your Fur Babies — You haven’t paid attention to them in six months, now is a good time to start.

2. Your Dead Houseplant — You haven’t watered it since you started playing Elden Ring. Start telling us about that.

3. Your Siblings’ Kids — They may have graduated by now, but you don’t know and you don’t care. Why should you? You’ve been playing Elden Ring.

4. Your Kids — They may have graduated, but you don’t know and you don’t care. Why should you? You’ve been playing Elden Ring after your siblings recommended it to you. Your significant other is furious.

5. How You Finally Got a PS5 — You sifted through faulty PS direct-buy links and now you can finally tell us what it’s like to have the world’s fastest system. Must be nice.

6. Top Gun: Maverick — Because…”Hey, it’s not Elden Ring”.

7. Your Hobbies — Like any actual hobby you had before playing Elden Ring. RIP to the hobbies living in abstract thought within the world of Inside Out.

8. Your Job — Let’s be honest, you’ve probably been fired as you haven’t shown up in six months. Your new career is Malenia’s Sub.

9. The State Of US Democracy—It’s really bleak right now so it can probably use all the help it can get.

10. Not Fucking Elden Ring — Seriously anything, but Elden Ring.

I Played AC Valhalla for 20 Minutes and Hated It

I played AC Valhalla for 20 minutes and hated it.

And it was free.

All hopped up on recent Viking guilty pleasures like VIKINGS and THE LAST KINGDOM, I too thought I was ready for some brutal conquests like Ragnar Lothbrook - albeit more digital. I had incredibly high hopes for a game with a total playtime of 119 hours. Not to mention additional content released monthly, I thought there was no way I could go wrong...But oh, I was SO WRONG. This is my story, and to quote the ageless Uhtred of Bebbanburg, destiny is all.

On a recent “chilly” LA night, I discovered Assassin’s Creed Valhalla was available for free for an entire weekend. So, with a throw blanket wrapped around me and heater on, I settled in for the download. As the gigs ticked away in the background, I couldn’t believe that I might be trying to actively beat AC Valhalla in a weekend or at least get far enough to entice me into parting with my coin.

Suddenly, the download bar completed, and I smashed that X button. I was about to dive headfirst into my own story-- till I hit a Ubisoft paywall (don’t worry still free) that required that I create an account then after creating that account I had to cycle through a series of pages about what my account would get me and how I could delve further into Valhalla, AC, and Ubisoft - yuck!

Okay with the bureaucracy out of the way, I was now ready for my adventure--

Oh Cutscene--

Now back to my adventure. Destiny is all...and trust me there is a lot about destiny in the first twenty minutes of this game.

At the open, I was thrust into a realistic Viking longhouse with all the cajoling and axe-rattling I could ever want; thankfully the game now gave me control. So, I pushed the left analog stick and immediately I knew there was a problem, nay I felt it. The sticks were clunky, it felt as if I was moving around in House of Ashes (this is not a dig at SMG, love them and their games) which is a smaller game. I was in for a hell of a weekend if a massive AAA title was going to feel this clunky.

I bungled my way through the drunken debauchery on molasses sticks to be graciously saved by a cutscene of Viking brutality and a usurpation of the throne. Now, fueled by vengeance and bestowed with a badass facial scar from a wolf, my quest to regain my rightful throne and land was a go! Destiny is all! There was no way any clumsy controls could ruin this, but I was wrong...SO WRONG.

Hurtled years into the future, I escaped capture to seek my vengeance, only to be greeted with a lot of walking and a tutorial section. However, what I really learned here is that the UI is just as clumsy as the sticks. Why, oh why, is there text at the beginning of an open world game that reads restricted area? I do believe that the wording was just incorrect, but it led to confusion on my part - at the beginning of the game I was already questioning where I should go. Saying screw it, I threw caution to the wind and went for it. Needless to say, I died and then died again in that same area. Eventually, I discovered that this area had nothing whatsoever to do with my mission; annoying to say the least when I only had a weekend to complete the game.

After getting back on track, the tutorial began again and I was treated to a new skill, an ability to use a raven to scour the landscape and place markers. I truly thought to myself, “what a cool idea. How radical of them”. This thought lasted for only a few precious seconds until the controls reared their ugly head; it was difficult to both pilot the bird and place landmarks at the same time, more infuriatingly, the game blocked the raven’s path after a few flaps of its wings. Thusly, the skill was not useful at all. I couldn’t help, but feel I was walking into a disaster even though it was only the beginning of the game.

Eventually after much walking, I arrived in the longhouse where my crew was captive, and an early fight ensued to teach combat mechanics. I will say I am not the best fighter, but hear me out, I died multiple times during this encounter. At the beginning of the game, I had already died more times than I could count and my crew, was again, not even free yet. I AM AT THE BEGINNING OF THE GAME! WTF!

It was during this period that I became infuriated by the control layout. Somehow, I successfully triggered the photo mode during almost every major attack during this fight; in order to quit the mode I had to release the buttons I was holding and exit out. Then hopefully I would have enough time to get my fingers back to the block position in the nick of time - I did not, obviously. After a few glitches where my attacks did not register, I managed to survive and stumble through to victory. It did not feel Viking-like in the least. Maybe, it is not: destiny is all, but in fact, there is no destiny...

Abysmally, I rescued my crew and a wild battle ensued. Thrust into the center of combat, I realized I could not really tell which opponent I was selected on and combined with the sticks of frozen molasses pretty much made any charge or single combat quite difficult, and mostly not very fun. Again, this is the beginning of the game, and it was not fun! It’s not Elden Ring, I shouldn’t be falling on my sword during every encounter. Moreover, I shouldn’t encounter every control problem within the first fifteen minutes of the game.

Frustrated, and over all illusions I had of destiny or regaining my familial claim, I rammed my way through bodies to the awaiting longship. This island be damned, it was time to depart and fuck off. At last, we were in the open ocean plotting a course to our own destiny and with the wind in my hair, the spray of the ocean on my face, I thought the tides had changed. Then the ugliest head of all controls reared its dumb stupid head out of the Nordic waters like a vile Kraken. The ship would simply not move in any sensical or logical way. I found myself having to maneuver the ship backwards to in fact, move forward! This game came out two years after God of War, I think, which had excellent boat mechanics - I mean it was called God of Boat by the developers! So, why can’t Valhalla have decent boat mechanics, we are in Valhalla for God’s Sake!

So, with my dreams dashed and pushed aside, much like any person in the working world, I sailed my ship into the home port; stepped off the boat, shrugged my shoulders, dismissed the adulations of my people, and wandered into town. Without even waiting for the save icon to appear, I forcefully quit the game - destiny be damned. As the system powered down, I checked my phone deciding I had better things to do on a Friday night and perhaps the rest of the weekend than play anymore of this game. I was only twenty minutes into the main story and the game was free. Ubisoft stop grabbing for cash and make a good or just a better game, thank you so much. We don’t need a gluttonous amount of new content all of the time, so a take a breather and release less games less often; I don’t know, I am not a game developer, so maybe we do need more and more content now, no matter how rushed. However, with consumers spending $60-120 a game, it should feel better.